Yippie for hippies

McApple Pie and the American Flag

2005-07-05T09:17:00.000-07:00

Every now and then I have the fortune of a true “ah ha!” moment. This latest epiphany has come courtesy of our nation’s Independence Day. Or rather, the way our we celebrate it.

The 4th of July is a time to reflect upon our great country and see it for the marvel that it truly is. Rich America and Poor America, Black America and White America, Hispanic America and Korean America, Rural America and Urban America, they all celebrate their piece of the pie the same way: with fireworks and hotdogs. On the most American of days millions flock to their local fairgrounds, lake, river, or downtown to behold the spectacle of burning copper, and magnesium, and sulfur that evokes such awe and bewilderment. Explosions are cool.

Those of you that know me are perhaps expecting some ironic blandishment concerning the hypocrisy of it all, or the naivety of the huddled masses as they celebrate what today they would likely denounce. You would be wrong. Believe it or not I am pretty patriotic as far as 20-something subverters go. No, as always the Devil is in the details, and in the details of our nation’s self-celebration I have found the Devil not in hiding, but in proud consummation of the American Dream. Without the Devil, there would be no 4th of July celebration.

Last evening on NBC was coverage of one of the nation’s most celebrated celebrations of the day, the Macy’s NYC firework extravaganza. Did NBC beam this event into millions of American homes out of the goodness in their red-blooded American hearts? No, they needed sponsors of course to furlough costs. And who stepped up to the plate to take a risk on a modestly viewed program so that those who could not witness first hand the spectacle could nevertheless join in the magic from their living rooms? Why none other than representatives from the two most dangerous industries known to man. Two industries that together have killed millions of Americans and financially ruined millions more. The two industries? Fast-food and lending. The two companies? McDonald’s and Citibank.

Are McDonald’s and Citibank the Devil? I don’t think so. What about NBC? No. The American consumer who consumes with reckless abandon? I'm not going to say it. But to be sure, when on America’s Independence Day, during the most visceral of patriotic manifestations, pushers of the 2 most damaging consumables that money can buy have the nerve to show their face on national TV and ask solicit thanks for all it is that they do for us, the Devil has to be somewhere.

It’s not that companies shouldn’t have the right to sell whatever it is they want. Or that Americans shouldn’t have the right to consume whatever it is they consume. Rather it’s the fact that WE let ourselves be led down the yellow brick road to nowhere all the while thinking that we are being done a favor. This isn’t an arena for government, or regulation, or law. Credit card debt and obesity are our own damn fault. Shame on us for dying at 50 of a heart attack, shame on us for owing $10,000 at 15% before we turn 22. Shame on us for giving our solicitors the time of day. Shame on them for declaring themselves our Prometheus. Finally, shame on all of us for not even noticing when the instuments of our destruction stand up and take a bow.

The O.C.

2005-06-30T13:29:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a trip to the O.C.. This wasn't a pleasure trip but more business like in nature. As in, traffic court business. No matter though, this O.C. doesn't feature breathtaking vistas or beau bodied beaches. As far as I can tell this Orange County boosts of nothing more than some elitist left-wing book stores and an historical building or two.

So here are my impressions from your everyday small town America court:

1. No wonder why "court costs" (or "raping fees" as I affectionately call it) are $100. They have employed the most inefficient people processing system known to man. The Nazis would have been up in arms, if they weren't living out their golden years in Buenos Aires, damned dirty Argentineans! I started downstairs, was told to go upstairs, then I sat. I was told to go downstairs and stand in line #1. Then I was told to go back upstairs, then I sat. 2 hours later my name was called and I stood in line #2. "How do you plead?" "Guilty." "Go over there and sit down." And I sat. Then it came time to pay and I stood in line #3. They jacked my fine up to $50 inexplicably even though I "plea bargained" down my ticket to "improper equipment." Funny, the lower the charge, the higher the fine. So I didn't have enough cash to cover the $150 "Welcome to the OC, sucker" charge. I drove to the one bank in town. The ATM didn't work. I drove to the highway where this whole thing started and got more money, with an extra $2.00 "not including whatever your bank charges you", which is another $2.00. I went back to court, and waited in line...

2. Everybody likes a degenerate bum. Never have I seen a man covered in his own filth (though to be fair he was sporting a brand new Toby Keith T-shirt, must have been a serious charge this time) be treated with such good-natured affection and compassion. Nice guy. I tried to give him some change, but he challenged me to get drunk off nickel and zinc and then spit at me. Okay that didn't really happen.

3. Small town ADAs are REALLY young, like my age young. It's weird.

4. Defense attorneys come in one of two models: rock star Jonnie Cochran types or incompetent sham artists who make their money getting Hispanic naïfs out of trumped up traffic charges.

5. Some girls can get out of ANYTHING. "Oh miss it's okay, I'll just dismiss this for you right now." "So I can go? No court costs or anything?" "Nope, go on, have a nice day." Bullshit! We can't get away with that with women ADAs, they just get madder when we hit on them.

6. Gang members should rethink the "tattoo thing". I don't care if you are in a gang, I hear the money is good though the job security could be better despite the relative ease of attaining "tenure", but when the ineluctable court date arrives your crazy Latin Kings tattoo is going to leave you with a snowballs chance in hell of getting out of there without shackles on. Come on people, THINK! I know that in some places it's better to be unmistakable as a gang member, but COURT is not one of them! If you just have to get that tat, put it on your back, or leg, or some other part that isn't out there for God and the DA to see when your trying to convince the judge that 30 rocks of crack were for personal use.

7. And finally, above all else, DO NOT get caught staring at the Latin King's girlfriend sitting in the gallery unless you are SURE that he is about to get sent up for 20 to life...

In case you were counting, in this post we've offended: Jews, women, Hispanics, and the good people of Orange County, Anywhere USA. My bad.

Coming Down the Mountain

2005-06-13T12:43:00.000-07:00

The past 3 days have been nothing but booze, pot, painkillers and food. Some might call it a binge, I call it a weekend. This life I lead is about to change though as I enter a new beginning and leave behind old friends and temptations. To say that once I turn 25, get serious about my career and relocate that I will embrace sobriety would be ingenuous. I’m no fool and enjoy it too much. Nevertheless this newfound propensity for excess does not bode well for my health or my profession.

Denial is common to all addicts so with my denial please take the proverbial grain of salt; but I am no alcoholic. Truth be told I don’t drink nearly as much as in previous “phases” and have made a very conscious effort to only drink in celebration or enjoyment, rather than simply because it is after 5p. Yet with curbing comes binging much more so than before. One year ago it was rare to find me without a drink in my hand on any given night. But I did not always get drunk. Sometimes I would only have 2 or 3. Now that I am abstaining from drinking on the weekdays it’s not uncommon for me to have 9 or 10 drinks when the week finally concludes and my self imposed alcohol free durance relinquishes. Because I only allow myself 2 nights of debauchery it seems that a week’s worth of excess is crammed into 48 hours of partying. Go figure.

Anyways I have been relenting in the past few weeks on all fronts. My diet has suffered, exercise seems to always take a back to seat to…something, and generally a nice bowl is what I’m looking forward to at 4:45p. But today I’m coming down the mountain. The pot’s gone, my bike is fixed, and the lone beer in the fridge will be my last for a few days. I like myself when I’m sober, but God help me if I can’t cut loose every once in a while.

The Soundtrack to my Life

2005-06-09T12:34:00.000-07:00

My work is great. My job sucks, but the company I work for is really top-notch. And I'm not just saying that because they just gave me an Ipod.

Well, maybe I am just saying the because they gave me an Ipod. But that's not important. What is important is that I have a new Ipod free of charge! I won some drawing by the Training dept. and viola!

Now it's just a little thing, an Ipod Shuffle. It only holds 120 songs, not like the 5000 that that full Ipods hold. But 120 songs is plenty for me. I am the music lover that can count the CDs he regularly listens with his two hands. Go figure. Ipods are really cool. I describe it like this: "It's like being in a movie, you get out of your car and the music keeps going."

It's just really cool to be strolling down the hall of your office blasting your favorite angst filled track directly into your skull while your friendly co-workers smile at you unawares of the "down with the machine" style lyrics you're secretly nodding along to. Or maybe that's just me.

At any rate, Ipods are cool. True I'm still on drugs (see previous post) so maybe this whole Ipod thing will evaporate into a work related odium sparking some sort of post-officesque rampage once the "high" wears off. But for now my soon to be massacred co-workers are enjoying the unassuming countenance I project while in my hydrocodone induced, electronica fueled, immovable if short termed state of bliss.

What's he been smokin?

2005-06-07T09:47:00.000-07:00

It’s about 10:30a and the drugs are starting to kick in. I’m not used to being stoned this early in the day, much less at work. People keep calling me but it’s hard to follow the conversation. I get distracted and forget why I am standing in the storage room and what I’m supposed to do by noon. Damn I feel good. By head is floating light as can be and my body buzzes with pleasure. Jimmy walks in and says “what’s up?” I answer truthfully “I’m pretty messed up man, this is pretty cool.”

And it is pretty cool, because I don’t have to worry about Jimmy telling my boss. I told my boss yesterday. He didn’t care. You see, I’m high but it’s legal. I’m on prescription pain killers! My tumid face probably gives away the fact that my wisdom teeth were yanked from my jawbone on Friday. But if that doesn’t do it for people than I am all to happy to tell them “I’m on drugs, I had a tooth pulled last week.”

That is that. I can explain away my odd and disjointed behavior with a simple statement of fact. I’m high on the job, and everyone is cool with it, especially me.

Where is everyone?

2005-06-03T16:17:00.000-07:00

So many of my favorite bloggers are apparently on hiatus. "An Indian in Keyna", "Saudi Jeans", and "News on Nigeria from the Netherlands" are all on break. What's an information starved cyberman to do? Suppose I could make new friends? But I've grown accostomed to my randomly selected ambassodors from across the pond.

Enjoy your break, and come back soon!

----Note to reader: I just had a wisdom tooth pulled this morning and will be hold up at home drugged up on painkillers, so if some rather odd posts appear on this blog, you know why.

Hail to the Chief

2005-06-02T12:21:00.000-07:00

The Bush White House is managed in the way of countless successful executive branches before: with an iron fist. Secrecy and loyalty are paramount at the expense of truth and conciliation. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Some of the greatest leaders in the world operated similarly. Bush knows a great deal about raw power and how to maintain it. His staff know a great deal about raw politics and how to manipulate it. This combination is more than salubrious it is necessary for any administration’s existence. The circumambient cloud around the Bush White House is cast for our protection. The conclave responsible for it are our protectors.

Which brings us to Nixon; the same could be said of his administration. Especially in a time of war the White House must be able to proceed with the sometimes unpleasant tasks before it without becoming vulnerable to those who would displace them. During an election year the opaqueness of the Presidential cloud must be exponentially increased. Nixon was a great President. Many still consider him to be an American hero. Nixon promised to end the Vietnam war, and end the war he did penning the final chapter of that discouraging epic. But though all is fair and love and war one’s political life can be cheated by opportunistic opponents. All is fair in war because in combat there is only one rule, win. However in a society governed by law cheaters can take advantage. For Nixon his political future was threatened by an untrustworthy group of journalists, democrats, and socialists. Rather than risk turning the country over to lesser men, he decided to fight fire with fire. But for this to work absolute secrecy among his staff would be vital. At stake was the future of the country and the security of its people. Legal concerns would have to take a back seat to national security.

The rest, as they say, is history. For a time Nixon was nearly universally condemned for his slush funds, dirty tricks, lies, and conspiracies. However the proud few still supported him and his actions until his death. Thereafter history seems to have taken a kinder view of the man. Nevertheless Watergate to many represents all that was and is wrong with the American political process. Idealists discount the necessity of secrecy, feeble minded pundits fail to see its benefit, and the rest of us just don’t like being lied to.

President Bush is not persuaded by the whims of an offended public. If Deep Throat (now known to be Deputy Director of the FBI Mark Felt) leaked such embarrassing details about his administration to the carnivorous press then surely there would be hell to pay. Could Mr. Felt have concealed his identity in a post-Patriot Act world? Not likely. When asked of his thoughts on Mark Felt Mr. Bush was decidedly cautious “"It's hard for me to judge," President Bush told reporters. "I'm learning more about the situation."”. Hard to judge indeed. Mr. Bush of all people can not pass judgment on Watergate or the Nixon administration as a whole. Nor can he praise a man whose actions would have been met by swift retribution had he worked in the Bush administration. Still, unwise it would be to condemn a man who is a hero to so many who lived through that time. Uncomfortable it must be to identify with the villain of Watergate and avoid judgment on its champion. Such is life for the modern President.

Americans who cheer Mr. Felt may hold claim to the moral high-ground in that Mr. Nixon was technically breaking the law. Yet what those millions will never understand is that he was doing so in order to preserve the freedom and prosperity they take for granted. Mr. Nixon had to be re-elected in 1972 or else the country would fall apart. Mr. Nixon and his advisors were so intellectually superior and politically sophisticated that should they allow a confused and embattled public to be swayed by the hateful elitist media then no successor could come close to their executive mastery.

Those ungrateful Americans who disparaged Nixon are now the enemy of the Bush administration. They don’t realize that to do right, one must often say things that are incorrect. Nixon understood this and it is a lesson that George Bush Jr. has learnt well. Common discourse would tell us that Presidents who sometimes bend the rules, hide their activities, or mislead the media do so out of self-interest. This mis-characterization does more to poison the political process than any Watergate. Presidents like Nixon and Bush do not see themselves as the proprietors of political spoils. Instead they know that it is the American people who have to most to gain from unremitting leadership in times of national crisis. The exactness with which Bush carries out his Presidential duties, his steadfastness in times of opposition, his down-home worldliness that peppers his relations with important world leaders, and most importantly his 4+ years of invaluable experience as President of the United States are just some of the reasons that the public should trust their leader, give him the benefit of the doubt, and let him rule the country as he sees fit. In a post 9/11 world we can’t risk handing the reigns to the opposition.

Men like Bush and Nixon recognize in themselves a divine veneration that allows the exuberant confidence that a President must possess to overpower the weakness and need for consultation that has ruined so many great men. That is why when you hear George Bush deliver a speech laden with inconsistencies and factual errors, when you hear Donald Rumsfeld deny published reports from credible journalists, when you hear Dick Cheney speak of environmental protection in the ANWAR, cut them a little slack. They are lying for you.

No seriously, I'm still here

2005-06-02T09:16:00.000-07:00

Hours since my last cigarette: ??

That's right, I don't know anymore when I quit smoking. Has it been 6 weeks? 7 weeks? 2 months? I don't remember! That's a good thing! Expect a detailed blog post in the near future about my newfound "health".

-----
When I don't write I feel stifled and frustrated. Writing in general, and blogging in particular, serves as an outlet for me. Without that release things get bottled up, filed away, stacked and forgotten. Except just because they are forgotten doesn't mean that they don't still bother me. Only when my mind is able to calm down and complete a thought is it able to rest. It's almost as if when I write about a certain topic and complete it to my satisfaction a burden on my brain is physically lifted and more of it is available to focus on other matters.

I haven't written in while. In the last month only a few worthy thoughts have made to "paper". I can feel the clogging effect this has on my mind. I've been too damn busy to think.

Still here.

2005-05-19T14:28:00.000-07:00

Hours since last cigarette: 763

That's right. I'm still a non-smoker! I think that I'm more amazed than anybody.

I must apologize to my reader(s) for my absence. I have actually been BUSY at work lately thereby significantly reducing my on-line time. My apartment isn't connected to the web so all of my postings and ranting are the product of boredom at the office. Bosses must hate blogs!

Two recent developments at work have greatly improved my morale. First and foremost, I've discovered an internet radio station that I really enjoy. Since my office is surrounded by earth and steel regular radio just isn't an option. Since I am horrible at not scratching CDs I only have a few dozen to re-cycle. After 2 weeks I have listened to them all. That leaves me with the internet where before last week only the local NPR station and Beethoven.com held my interest. But now I can listen to "my" music all day!

The other major development is my adoption of RSS technology. Yes it's true, I have officially hoped on this "newfangled" technology bandwagon. For those of you who haven't heard of a RSS stream or XML be assured that only attention deficit plagued dorks are excited about it. RSS streams are for those of us who find switching from one news website to another too cumbersome and time restraining. With RSS we can now use one program to have all of our news sources streamed and updated constantly so that CNN, ABC, BBC, NPR, FOXnews (if you're into that sort of thing), La Monde, etc. can all be accessed from a single gateway. Moreover, concomitant streams from the same source can be set up so that, for instance, all the "business" headlines appear in one place and all the "politics" headlines appear in another.

While lacking the genuine frisson induced effect of my new internet radio station, RSS nevertheless has brightened my day and made my time in the office much more enjoyable, if not more productive.

I ain't come from no ape!!

2005-05-10T08:31:00.000-07:00

Let's all laugh at Kansas. Again they have moved towards including intelligent design into the science curriculum in an effort to single-handedly debunk what 120,000 scientists can not: Evolution. To be fair, Kansas only seeks to open the door for "alternative" explanations to the origins of species; as in, "alternative" to science. The mind-deadening aspect of this whole issue is that THERE IS NO DEBATE!!! Sure, science can and has been wrong and theories are just that, theories. However in this instance there is near universal acceptance among anyone who has ever studied biology in the last 50 years.

There is nothing wrong with critical thinking in the classroom. Indeed, criticism is a necessary part of scholarly progress. But good criticism is rooted in good science, good logic, and good theory. Current criticism of evolution possesses none of these. Intelligent Design is not a scientific theory but a philosophical one. Do we discuss the morality of the food chain in biology class? How about the nature of God in AP physics?

Science is science. There are roughly 500 scientists in the country that are promoting Intelligent Design over Darwinian Evolution. This super-minority has somehow tricked the laymen into believing that they have developed a viable alternative, creating a perceived controversy among those who want to believe where none exists among those who are really paying attention.

An ominous beginning?

2005-05-06T13:13:00.000-07:00

An interesting story appeared today out of Iraq. As always, you must read in depth in order to glean the most useful bit of information: The victims were Sunni.

This is being underreported in the American press because of its importance. The media is tender of foot in reporting their ethnicity because of the obvious conclusions they would be obligated to draw; the Shiites are fighting back. If CBS aired this story without 100% certainty they would be lampooned as elitist left-wingers, liberal frauds hell-bent on disgracing the President.

What many Bush supporters will never understand is that many anti-war liberals were not opposed to military intervention in Iraq in general, but instead confident that this President would screw it up. The ultimate disaster would be an Iraqi civil war, a failed state, a haven and recruiting ground for Al-Qaeda. This is the scenario many of us outlined in the months before the war. We predicted a swift military victory, as well as a prolonged insurgency. Those who paid attention before March 2003, the same who paid attention on 9/10/2001, recognized the inherent difficulties of convincing 3 separate peoples forced together by British colonialists before iron-fisted tyrants to share power after years of oppression. To make a democratic Iraq work America, and its President, must be calculating and diplomatic, intellectual and inventive. One transcript of a George W. Bush press conference is enough to disqualify our President for the job.

Nevertheless America has so far prevailed. It is nothing short of remarkable that the Kurds have joined the government and quieted their urge to cede, incurring the wrath of Turkey. This proves that the State Dept. still has a few good diplomats left, at least until John Bolton's confirmation. Likewise, the Shiites have shown incredible restraint while suffering at the hands of foreign terrorists and opportunistic Sunni would-be kings. Rumors and whispers speak of the Shiites losing patience as their dead mount (over 200 in the last week). Still they stoically remain unarmed. So much so that the terrorists have begun bombing Sunni targets while masquerading as Shiites. Until now nothing has worked for the terrorists and the President is poised to achieve America’s greatest political victory in the Arab world.

Let us hope that the story cited above of the revenge killing of 14 Sunnis is an anomaly and not a beginning.

The War. No, not that one, the last one.

2005-05-06T08:37:00.000-07:00

Vietnam.

For me there have always been two Vietnams. The one that was fought by men and boys in Indo-China, and the one that was fought by protesters, parents, and police on the streets of American cities. Never have I been able to reconcile the two.

The generation before mine fought in one or the other of these two wars. The culture war, the one fought at home, still rages today. But us children of the 60s lack the emotive context needed to participate. For us, Vietnam is part of history. Yet in political discourse and just below the surface of our elders’ integument the scabs of that war still fester. No greater example than the 2004 Presidential election is needed to confirm that our country is still divided along those old fortified lines.

Perhaps it is because I find my self on the side of "those who went" as well as those who protested that resolution has so far eluded me. The war in Vietnam was about national security and stemming the "Red Tide" as much as it was about arrogance, greed, and military concessions to a Panglossian body politic.

As an American I am proud of my father's anti-establishment sensibilities. He saw through the bullshit and his generation stood up for what they thought was right as the "Greatest Generation" deferred dissent as thousands of Americans were shipped to the slaughter. The rebellious nature of which our country was born and by which my father's generation changed the world strikes a cord in my sentimentality.

But so to does the pride of which members of the less vocal majority summoned in order to stand up and fight for what they believe to be true: the infallibility of their country. The men who did go to Vietnam for no other reason than because their country needed them enjoy my respect as well. When your country is in peril, you sacrifice yourself so that others may live. Thousands did.

Robert Timberg in his book, The Nightingale's Song, launches a scathing attack on the draft-dodgers, protestors, and members of the counter-culture. Quite simply his argument is this: if you weren't there because you were afraid to fight, how can you judge those with the courage of their convictions? Similarly, those who did not fight often ask of those who did: How could you have killed for a country that lied, cheated, and used you? Or more aptly: How can you be proud of a service most would regret?

Neither have answered the question to the others' satisfaction. The divide opened 30 years ago will only be closed when our fathers seal it with their graves. It is up to us, the children of the Vietnam generation, to look forward instead of back not to ignore the lessons of the past but to put to rest the ghosts of our alienation.

A little torture never hurt anyone...

2005-05-03T09:57:00.000-07:00

Hours without a cigarette: 374

But I want one bad! Just ate lunch...

Lynndie England (everyone's favorite trailer trash, prisoner abusing, superior fucking, pregnant private 1st class) has pleading guilty to abusing prisoners and will soon learn of her sentence, though that was pre-determined as part of the military's version of a plea-bargain. Why did she plead guilty? Because her boyfriend's defense of "just following orders" fell apart thereby striking fear in the heart of England's skittish attorney who convinced her to cop. Of course, Charles Graner was just following orders. Fortunately the "I was just following orders" defense went the way of the buffalo during Nuremberg over 50 years ago. But what about the people that gave the orders? Aren't they responsible too? In a word: No. Even though Graner was instructed to follow the direction of the interrogators (the CIA) by his commanding officers, since it was the CIA who instructed Graner to "soften them up a little", the military has no jurisdiction to investigate anybody besides the lowly group of dumbasses led by Graner. Least of all is the military willing to charge Graner's boss for allowing this sort of behavior, nor his boss's boss who failed to notice the abuse occurring under her watch, nor his boss's boss's boss who contributed to the military culture that normalized such abuse to the point where Graner et al. didn't even worry about taking pictures of the abuse, and APPEARING IN THEM!

Just one bad apple? Yea right.

Officially a non-smoker?

2005-05-02T07:31:00.000-07:00

Hours without a cigarette: 348

Well I did it! I held my own and didn't succumb to the pressure! More than a scintilla of pain and willpower was involved, and I think that I probably drank about 6 beers too many in order to dull my nerves, but all in all it was a complete success on Thurs. night. I hung out at with 2 chain smokers, doing nothing but standing around and drinking, and I didn't smoke a single cigarette! Truth be told, it wasn't even that bad. Sure, there were times that I felt like chewing my own arm off rather than not smoke but those times passed quickly; markedly quicker than just a few days ago. Whenever I do have a craving I just remember that the nicotine is out of my system and that my urge is only a mental one. Mental urges can be circumvented much easier than physical ones can.

On Friday I went out again to a bar with a whole big group of people about half of whom smoked. Not only did I not smoke, but there were times that I forgot that I wanted a cigarette! Most of the preceding 2 weeks were filled with a constant desire/need for a cigarette. There were occasions when I didn't want to smoke, like in the morning or after a work out but generally, I always had that feeling in my stomach. Now the situation has reversed. Generally I DON'T want a cigarette and only occasionally do I get any kind of craving at all, most often after a meal.

The best feeling in the world for me right now is getting a craving and realizing that it's the first craving I've had all day. Going hours at a time without even thinking about a cigarette gives me a lot of hope. Throughout this whole ordeal I had worried that I wouldn't be able to fight off constant cravings and couldn't imagine living like this for weeks, months, years. I know plenty of people who started smoking again after quitting many months or even years before and assumed that what I felt the first week would continue indefinitely. It's not true. Little by little you forget that you were a smoker. Those moments when you do get cravings but say "oh yea, I quit smoking a few weeks ago" are indescribable. The cravings aren't nearly as intense nor do they last as long before my mind gets preoccupied with something else.
It's only been 2 weeks, but I'm "almost" ready to call myself a non-smoker. I know it's not over, but it's a helluva lot better.

I WANT A CIGARETTE!!!!

2005-04-28T12:49:00.000-07:00

This should come as no surprise since I've only quit 257 hours ago. But it's been pretty bad today. Addiction is a helluva thing. The nicotine is physically out of my body, but my brain still isn't used to its absence. Since the brain wants it, I want it. The past few days have been pretty good for me. I foolishly thought that I was "over the hump." Well the fucking hump just keeps going and going. Yesterday was especially bad. Come nightfall my nerves were frayed and my girlfriend was I'm sure ready to throw me out on my ass. I really need to buy her something....

Today is just as bad. It's been a very stressful day. I basically "freaked out" this morning and had a hissy fit where my computer speakers and keyboard bore the brunt of my fury. Sorry guys, you understand right? Anyways, it was all Windows Media Player's fault for messing up over and over again. Generally when I lose my temper cigarettes calm me down. I don't have any cigarettes, so I didn't calm down.

The stress has reduced some since the hurdles that induced it have been leaped over this afternoon, yet the craving for a cigarette remains. It is after all smoke break time. From 3:30p to 5:00p is the worst for me, on a normal day. This is not a normal day. Today is the unofficial beginning of summer in my anonymous, mid-sized southern city. From now until Fall every other week a street festival of sorts occurs downtown. It's (get this) BYOB if you don't want to buy it there, and it's free! So yea, there are going to be lots of drunk yuppies. In years past I had been known to smoke nearly a pack of cigarettes at this function. There's not much else to do but drink and smoke after all, and EVERYONE is doing it. As if that wasn't a big enough test I am going with my buddy, my chain-smoking buddy, and his chain smoking girlfriend. Oh, and did I mention that my girlfriend won't be there either? No? Well she won't. They'll be no one to stop me.

Can I pass? Doubtful. But I am going to try. Mind over matter, mind over matter.

One side of me wants to just get obliterated figuring that if I just drink everytime I want to smoke I'll eventually get so drunk it won't matter. Yes I know, the logic is flawed, but it's all that I have. The trick is to go home and pass out early enough that I don't give into my cravings. Not sure if that'll happen. We'll see....

Tune in tomorrow, I'll either be happy, proud, self-confident, renewed in my resolve, or I'll be depressed and a failure.

A long one

2005-04-27T15:45:00.000-07:00

Hours without a cigarette: 230

It's becoming a funk, this not smoking thing. The urges are certainly less then they were at the beginning, but are still consistent enough to wear a man down. Nevertheless I'm determined to press on. One encouraging aspect is that now that so much work and suffering has been put in, it is that much harder to throw in the towel and enthusiastically leap off the band wagon. I told my parents the other day, so now people are expecting me not to smoke.

And on a more serious note...

Check out yesterday's story from Alamance County, NC about mandatory drug testing for students who participate in extracurricular activities.

You likely have one of two reactions to such a story: 1.) "It's about time, the drug problem is out of control and kids are the most at risk, this can only help." or 2.) "This is absolutely ridiculous, the Constitution was written for a reason and kids should be afforded the same rights as the rest of us."

One reaction is pragmatic, the other idealist. Both are near-sighted. Let's start by attacking reaction #1. Drugs are certainly a problem in this country and children are definitely more at risk than adults due to their undeveloped brains, etc.. However, the drugs of which most children partake are not the drugs that lead to homelessness, violence, and prolonged prison sentences with the notable exception of alcohol, which is also notably absent from substances screened for. Some kids do venture into meth, cocaine, and heroin, however these kids, as a rule, do not participate in the Marching Band, Football team, or Chess Club. Therefore, they are not going to be dissuaded by the Alamance County testing policy. But let's face it, nobody cares about those kids anyways, so what of the other 70%? We are of course talking about testing them for pot: The Gateway Drug. Is pot a Gateway Drug? I won't dare to answer but it certainly can inhibit a child's academic achievement, general motivation, and overall hygiene. Nevertheless, children have been smoking pot for the better part of 35 years now with little ill effects to society at large. The harder drugs cause the problems parents read about in the newspaper and contrary to popular belief, most kids who experiment with pot do not go on to become degenerates. Just because the kids who WILL eventually become degenerates do start with pot does not mean that pot is responsible for their hazy decline, rather it means that the future prison dwellers of America found pot easier to attain in high school than the harder drugs they were really seeking.

Of course this still presents a problem for the option 1 reactionaries. Even though some pot is better than some meth, no pot is better still. Yet the real trouble makers are slipping through the cracks. Those who do not participate in extracurricular activities are not subject to any drug tests despite their increased risk for addiction. At this point it seems trivial to fret over details. Since 70% of students in Alamance County are involved in extracurricular activities and are therefore being drug tested, what is the harm in requiring drug testing for the remaining 30%? The logical leap between partial drug testing and complete drug testing is not a great one. The Constitutional leap is semantic rather than substantive nevertheless the Supreme Court has rejected is outright.

So here we see how option 1 can both reasonably and pragmatically lead to mandatory drug testing for all students. Indeed, it makes MORE sense to drug test all students as opposed to only large percentage, especially if that percentage is less likely to abuse drugs than the minority. As one can imagine, mandatory drug testing would not go over well with the population partial to reaction #2.

For those who reacted similarly to "Option 2" the issue is not a pragmatic one but instead a moral one. Yes that is right, I said "a moral one." For them the Constitution is not simply a piece of hemp written by men whose experiences could scarcely be argued as relevant to our own. For them the Constitution is a living, breathing part of our society and more important than the words of the Constitution is the intent of the document and the principles its creators endeavored to instill upon America through its construction. The legal scholars among you will recognize a specific school of Constitutional interpretation outlined in the last statement. Proceed with caution however as Constitutional interpretation is not the goal of the option 2 reactionaries; at least, it is not the binding force among them.

The basic principle that does bind the option 2 reactionaries is that a governed people are to at all times be protected from that government and that the government serves all of its people, not merely the majority or ruling party. The Constitution, and more aptly the Bill of Rights, is designed to restrict the otherwise absolute power of the US Government. In essence, the Bill of Rights is self-evident and stands apart from the construction of the Government. A government is to be constructed around the Bill of Rights, not the other way around. The prospect of minority exploitation by a majority ruled government was not lost upon the Founders. The Bill of Rights helps to protect all Americans regardless of popular sentiment. This is why Federal Judges are not elected and do not answer to a constituency. But perhaps I assume too much.

What has the Bill of Rights, governmental philosophy, and societal structure have to do with Alamance County children? Alamance County parents are undoubtedly asking the same thing. The answer is that those who recoil at mandatory drug testing for children often cite the 4th Amendment:

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Testing the blood or urine of ones body cannot easily be proven an exception to testing "their persons". Moreover, the difficulty in proving probable cause against a child simply because he or she attends school cannot be overcome. Fortunately for parents and school administrators, the Supreme Court has ruled over and over again that children in school are not afforded the same rights as adults. " A search unsupported by probable cause can be constitutional, we have said, 'when special needs, beyond the normal need for law enforcement, make the warrant and probable-cause requirement impracticable. We have found such 'special needs' to exist in the public school context. There, the warrant requirement 'would unduly interfere with the maintenance of the swift and informal disciplinary procedures [that are] needed,' and 'strict adherence to the requirement that searches be based on probable cause' would undercut 'the substantial need of teachers and administrators for freedom to maintain order in the schools.'"

So here we have a case where those who base their argument against mandatory drug testing for students on Constitutional grounds find themselves at odds with the Supreme Court. And now we see why it is the principle of the matter, the moral objection, that drives their agreement rather than the letter of the law. The Supreme Court decides whether or not a right can be violated by the Government and generally affirms such an action only when a clear and universal interest is at stake. In Alamance County, the safety of children is the issue, not the Constitutionality of the drug tests. Do option 2ers want kids to do drugs? Of course not, but to them their principles are more important than the immediate outcomes they allow because they truly believe that once their moral values are allowed to fall from favor, everyone will suffer the ill effects.

Reconciliation is not an option for the two streams of logic outlined above. One leads to mandatory drug testing for all students which is explicitly restricted by the Supreme Court. The other leads to the endangerment of youth and the inability of Government to serve its purpose, to protect its citizens from themselves . Here we have the ultimate dilemma in governmental philosophy. Were there no Bill of Rights the government could much more efficiently maintain order and protect its citizens from crime and debauchery. A democratic government would still be accountable to the people so that the majority could be free to decide the mores of the day. Yet without the Bill of Rights America would indeed be subject to mob rule and dissent would not be tolerated should the majority wish it. America's citizens would be exploited for the benefit of other American citizens. It would simply be a matter of which America you belonged to that would determine your comfort and success. In short: We have the power to end crime as we know it, but do we really want to?

Craving you in my dreams

2005-04-26T06:00:00.000-07:00

Hours without a real cigarette: 202
Hours without an imagined cigarette: 1

I am a sinner, I have lusted in my heart and succumb to that lust in my sub-consciousness. Last night I dreamed that I fell off the wagon, and it was good. Actually, I felt bad about it at the time and vowed to re-quit. So I guess that's a good sign.

On a completely unrelated topic: don't you hate when someone uses "I" in every single sentence, or worse, to start every single sentence? I do. I really do. I think it's annoying and the sign of a bad writer. I just don't understand some people. I really don't.

The Handshake

2005-04-22T08:06:00.000-07:00

Hours without a cigarette: 108

*Smoking update- I have now moved from anger to depression. I think that I liked anger better. The cravings are getting less and less but are still a nagging reminder of my weakness.*

The handshake. For centuries men have been greeting, parting, sealing, and congratulating with the simplest of gestures. Stick your right hand out, grip firmly, shake once. A strong handshake was a marker of confidence and maturity. All things were well and as they should be. Then women came into the picture.

Following WWII, when women were finally allowed to do (and able to prove capable of) a variety of "men's work" while their husbands and fathers slaughtered each other for their country's honor, women began demanding the rights previously afforded only the male half of society. Freshly armed with suffrage women fought a back room war of independence from their husbands, fathers, and bosses that still rages today. Eventually the more enlightened among us relented their stranglehold on their female companions and at once women streamed into the professional arena to try their luck at accounting, managing, finance, law, firefighting, HR, production management, etc.. Society is still reeling from this massive shift in hierarchy. One small example of this chaos: the simple handshake.

Men and women do not shake hands, or at least they never used to. In Victorian times women held out there hands for men to admire and perhaps even kiss. Today the hug is the most accepted form of male-female acknowledgement. One small problem, board meetings are not generally concluded with a mass hug, nor are business lunches, job interviews, or sales retreats. Formerly the situations above included only men, now they are mixed. Yet half of those participants are not supposed to shake hands with the other half. This provides for a dilemma, but only for the women.

I say this back room war is still raging because if it had already been won then women could simply hold out their hands, or not and all would be well. Yet men still rule the highest echelons of business, therefore it is the women who must adapt in order to be assimilated.

During the enthusiasm of the women's lib. movement many believed that if they acted like men in professional settings, then they would be treated as equal. They started swearing in public, berating subordinates and exuding confidence and bravado. In terms of the handshake this meant a firm hand and a significant shake. However, not only were they denied equality but moreover these brave women were lowered in social standing to LESS THAN women. It seems that men, for all of their complaining, really do admire certain feminine traits and to discard femininity is to disarm yourself of an essential competitive tool.

The "men's" handshake for women quickly fell out of favor with both genders. The pendulum of professional decorum has swung back and forth many times over the years but a dizzying vacuum of appropriateness still remains. The inter-gender handshake has suffered. There is now an atavism to daintiness and frailty in the meeting of hands on the part of women that renews the quandary put forth in the very beginning. How can women be taken seriously if they cannot shake the hand of a rival, a friend, or a CEO? What's worse, some women do not extend their hand whatsoever so that upon conclusion of a meeting an awkward moment signifies the parting of ways. There is no more sure way to guarantee your removal from a social network then by ending a personal encounter on an awkward note.

What is the solution? I wouldn't venture to offer one here. But one thing is certain: there's still a long way to go.

So it finally happened

2005-04-21T09:13:00.000-07:00

Hours since last cigarette: 85

I can smell smokers now. I haven't be able to do that for 10 years. I always wondered how my mom knew I had been smoking. Someone came into my office looking for someone else and I could immediately tell that he was a smoker. It smelt bad too. No wonder my girlfriend is so happy that I'm quitting. She never nagged me about it (bless her heart) and she didn't berate me on my reeking clothing (though she did buy me some cologne) but she is def. enthused about my new found fettle, though a work in progress it may be.

On a related not, I have moved past desperate, physically aching urges to smoke nicotine and now am simply pissed off at the entire world and want to punch something hard and inanimate. I drank for the first time since quitting last night. Alcohol dramatically increases the cravings, this came as no surprise. However, my aforementioned girlfriend kept me from driving to the store (or she would have had I tried). Locked in a tiny apartment with a magnum of wine and a shortage of cigarettes, there was no escape. Fortunately both of us managed to come out alive, although at times the outlook seemed grim.

Slowly but surely I am enervating the hold they have over me.

Internal Clock

2005-04-20T07:51:00.000-07:00

Hours without a cigarette: 60

The human body is an amazing thing. This morning I did not crave nicotine at all. This is not unusual as I generally don't smoke in the morning. A few months back my routine included my first cigarette at 10:30a, my second after lunch, my third at 3:30p, and my fourth around 6p. Sure enough come 10:30a this morning, my body was expecting its fix even though I had cut the 10:30a cig out weeks ago. DRINK WATER, MUST DRINK WATER...

Back to yesterday's conversation (can you call it a conversation if only one person is talking and no one is listening?); I am trying to convert nic fits into the feeling that my lungs are being cleaned. It's working about as well as trying to convert it to thirst. The problem is that the actual sensation of craving a cigarette isn't in the lungs or the throat, it is in the pit of your stomach. Interestingly, its very near (and similar in lachrymosely if not intensity) the feeling of being kicked in the balls. As all us men know too well, the only thing that can be done to alleviate that is to curl up into the fetal position and cry like a little girl.

Damn nicotine

2005-04-19T10:10:00.000-07:00

So if there's one thing that has been confirmed more than anything could possibly be confirmed it is that nicotine is a physically addicting substance and should be banned, and the makers decapitated.

Mind over matter: yea right. Nevertheless I push on. I've done this before (mind over matter, not quitting smoking), every time you get a craving you actively change that craving into something else in your brain. I was on a "diet" a few months back and managed to convince my brain that hunger pangs were actually the feeling of fat burning in my stomach. It's not true, but it worked.

With cigarettes it seems the path of least resistance is to convert nic fits into hunger fits. Not sure why. But I can't do that since I'm simultaneously trying to lose a little weight. So I am doing my damndest to change cravings into thirst. So far with only marginal success, but some success is better than none. I may be floating out of here today, I'm drinking A LOT of water.

smoke free!

2005-04-19T06:33:00.000-07:00

Is it an exercise in healthy living or a sadomasochistic indulgence? Probably both. But I have decided to quit smoking.

Since the age of 15 I have been smoking regularly. I started as most do, by stealing from my parents. A smoke or two here, a pack or two there. Truth be told I had no real intention of becoming a smoker. Women are to blame for my brackish habit. That's not fair. Rather it was my desire to attract the attention of women. Those virgin temptresses incessantly approached me in order to "bum a smoke." The look of contempt on their faces when I responded "sorry, don't have one on me" was not the reaction I wished to evoke. So instead I decided to always carry cigarettes so that when the time came, I would be ready. The rest is history.

Did it help me get laid? Probably. But now I come to the same realization of many rebellious 20 somethings who inevitably confront the addictions of their youthful indiscretions. "This stuff'll kill ya one day."

However a salubrious epiphany the catalyst for my quitting was not. Ironically the reason of my un-habiting was instead the very thing which I had denounced time and time again, the price.

I am broke. I have no money to spend on cigarettes. At the end of Sunday night I had one lonely smoke left in my pack, and 191 cents left in my bank account. No, I'm not going to starve, I do have some savings tucked away but I vowed not to break into them save for food. Cigarettes are not food. Therefore, I vowed not to buy any cigarettes until I get paid. I don't get paid for two weeks.

My last cigarette of my last pack burned a whole in my pocket. "I will not smoke it, if I smoke it I will have no more." At some point in the morning I realized that if after 2 weeks I still hadn't smoked, than the most difficult part will be achieved. At lunch I left the cigarette at my house in order to relieve the temptation, it did not. Upon arriving home last night I craved that cigarette more than any cigarette before it, and hopefully every one since. I took the cigarette out of its pack so as to stare my enemy in the face. "Such a small insignificant thing, yet such power it wields over me." I smelled it. It smelled good and sweet. I said my goodbye, and I snapped its neck...

...to be continued.

I have nothing to say

2005-04-15T12:01:00.000-07:00

It's true. And sad. No that's a lie. I have plenty to say. But I have to pee. And I'm busy. So I'm going to go do that instead. That is all.

Not my war

2005-03-24T12:35:00.000-08:00

Patriotism is a funny thing. More than a furbelow bumper sticker being patriotic generally means that you do something for you country, or more succinctly, your countrymen. Which brings me to the war…

Years of indoctrination have instilled me with some sense of duty to country and a belief in the moral superiority of the American way of life. As a good God-fearing American boy when your President goes to war, you follow. Those who know me would be amazed at the revelation but I too feel the pull towards the recruiting office. Scenes of boys younger than I patrolling hostile streets and serving as markers for Green-zone bound mortars tug at my patriotic strings, but not in the way you might expect. I feel a duty to THEM, individually. But not to a war I don’t feel was necessary or a President I have no confidence in.

Yet I remain. Is it fear? Perhaps. Laziness? Can’t be discounted. Disrespect for my country? Not on your life buddy. The usual excuses could be dolled out and each would sound plausible: I was in already out of college when the war broke out; I had a good job and a steady girl; I’ve never interacted well with authority; I am too old/fat/weak/stupid to cut it. All of them are true, but none tell the story. The truth is that this is not my war. For every ounce of me that yearns to take another’s place in danger another ounce counter-reacts violently at the prospect of dying for a fool’s cause. A cause that seems to change with the seasons. There is no draft in this war. Had there been I would be first in line so as to take the place of someone who didn’t want to go for reasons less lofty than mine. All of those fighting and dying “over there” do so out of their own prerogative. The military was never an option for me before the war and only appeals not if a fight’s worth winning, but if a fight mustn’t be lost

Hundreds of thousands of men and women have chosen to fight in this war. I do not fault them for that. Most believe the cause is just, the cost within reason, and the rewards bountiful. I do not. This is a free country and my grandfathers did their part to keep it so back in “The Big One.” Should our freedom be on the line so then will my life for this country and her citizens, my friends, family, and neighbors. Many fighting “over there” believe that they are keeping America free. I honor their courage and their sacrifice. Yet unless others are conscripted and the volunteers run short I cannot kill for a cause which garners no improvement and protects no American freedoms.

Letter to the Editor

2005-03-21T08:04:00.000-08:00

Something extraordinary happened last night as reported in your March 21 story "Fate of Terri Schiavo Rests with Judge". The President was awake past his self-imposed bed-time of 11p. An undoubtably brave young aid entered the President's bedroom with news of a development fit to raise the Commander-in-Chief.

The President was awoken in order to save Terri Schiavo by signing a rushed bill approved over night by a gleaming Republican cabal smelling blood in the water. Terri would have been flattered to be sure, if she only had a brain.

Unfortunately Terri does not have a brain. At least not one capable of reason, emotion, logic, or directing essential functions like eating and drinking. But this is no longer about Terri Schiavo, or her parents, or least of all her husband, who has since “moved on” and started another family. Had Mr. Schiavo deflated his bloated ego and divorced his wife after it became clear she was never “coming back” then Terri’s parents could indefinitely continue their macabre death watch in blissful denial. Mr. Schiavo did no such thing and we now have to endure the political pony show before us.

Of course it is entirely possible (if nary oft considered) that Mr. Schiavo was serious when he vowed to honor and protect Terri as long as they both shall live. Since the courts have unanimously found that Terri probably would want to die if confined to the condition she now finds herself then maybe, in this age of an embattled “martial sanctity”, this one husband is actually doing what he vowed before God to do: Honoring his wife.

An unlikely alliance

2005-03-18T06:52:00.000-08:00

So I heard a very strange thing this morning. The Evangelical Christians and I share the same views on environmental sustainment. Those of you who continue to read this blog on a regular basis will learn that I am no friend of the Christian Right, yet in this issue we are on the same side.

They call it "Creation Protectionism" or some such thing. God, the Creator, made the earth and the plants and the animals and therefore as servants of God we have the responsibility to protect the earth, plants, and animals.

Whatever... but I'm glad they are on our side.

Anwr schmanwr. Have you SEEN the price of gas?!

2005-03-16T14:07:00.000-08:00

The Artic Nation Wildlife Refuge has been at the forefront of ecological controversy since at least my freshman year in college back in the late 90s. Back then I wrote a paper outlining how the environmental damage likely to be caused by drilling for oil outweighs any potential gains in economic well-being or fuel sufficiency. Of course I now realize that weighing ecological costs against financial gains is like comparing apples to atom bombs. Apples taste good, but bombs make the world go 'round.

Today on the Senate floor our greatest legislative body finally killed the issue by allowing the question of drilling in ANWR to piggyback on the Budget Bill that presumably Democratic push-overs have to vote for. Let the games begin.

Human life will always take precedence over animal life. Just as American life will always take precedence over "other" lives. So too does the American pocketbook take precedence over animal life and "other" lives. More specifically, the American major share-holders of multi-national energy companies' pocketbook takes precedence over animal life and "others".

Bush et al. promised lots of people a long time ago that ANWR would be opened under his watch. The idea was simple: inflate the price of gasoline at the pump, scare the people into believing the "commies/Arabs/socialists" are capable of cutting off our supply, and go to war to ensure a Republican majority in the Senate. Now I'll be fair, the war had other objectives (I guess). So I'll give Bush et al. the benefit of the doubt and chalk his re-election and domination of the Congress up to "fringe benefits" of the War on Terrah. Gas is now at record high levels and public distrust of the "others" is at a generational high. The time is nigh.

Gas prices are at record levels. Yet if you ask the producers of oil they will tell you that production is not the problem, nor are high oil prices. The problem is in the refinement. Where does that take place? Right here at home. Somehow the refineries just can't quite seem to refine enough oil into gasoline all of the sudden. I wonder who owns those refineries? Gee whiz, looks like it's the exact same people that want to drill in ANWR. Huh.
Never fear kids. ANWR is over now. The fight has been lost. Since ANWR is open the oil companies don't need to inflate prices anymore. Expect gas prices to dip a little in spring so they can rise again over the summer driving season. But come fall, the prices will be a tumblin.. You can take that one to the bank.

An introduction

2005-03-16T09:05:00.000-08:00

Some of you know who I am, others don't. I intend to keep it that way.

This blog is going to be different from the previous effort. The anonymity of "version 2" is intentional and provides me with a little more room to breath without spitting on the values of my friends, family, co-workers, bosses, potential rivals, etc..

The old blog dealt mostly with politics and current events. This blog will as well but in addition I intend to post more controversial ideas on faith, religion, science, human nature, etc.. All work and no play has never been my creed therefore humor and personal anecdotes can also be expected from time to time. I am funny. Seriously.

As always feel free to comment at will and tear down anything I say that might be suspect. This whole enterprise is as much a product of egomania as it is an instrument to hone my writing skills. So criticism is encouraged.
That being said, I actually don't have anything to say right now. Maybe tomorrow...